Kia ora koutou,

I was recently showing a new whaanau around and sharing how we approach social-emotional education through our Zones of Regulation programme. We ended up talking about the challenges of managing children’s emotions as parents. Reflecting on my own parenting journey, I’ve realised that at every stage, whether with toddlers, school-aged children, or teenagers, navigating emotions and teaching self-regulation is something that is part of each of these stages.

When my children were toddlers, I would do just about anything to avoid an emotional meltdown, mostly for my own sanity. I became very good at preempting situations that could spark an outburst. For example, I avoided saying "no" in the supermarket to prevent a public scene. Over time, though, as I’ve learnt more about the brain and child development, especially with school-aged children, I’ve come to understand the importance of teaching children about emotions and normalising them.

It’s tempting to swoop in and shield our tamariki from uncomfortable emotions, such as disappointment or anger, particularly because it often means pausing what we’re doing and sitting with our own discomfort while they process their feelings in whatever ways they do. However, helping them build emotional intelligence and self-regulation skills is so valuable.

Here are a few simple strategies that can support children in developing emotional intelligence and self-regulation:

• Teach children about emotions before they happen. Help them recognise what emotions look like and feel like, and what situations might trigger certain feelings. Teach them to name their emotions.
• Normalise emotions. Let tamariki know that it’s normal to experience big feelings—they’re part of being human. And as parents, we shouldn’t fear or avoid these emotions either. Instead, we can guide them on how to express their emotions in appropriate ways.
• Talk about self-regulation strategies. Work with your child to come up with ways they can calm themselves by taking a timeout, going for a walk, breathing deeply, asking for a hug, or using positive self-talk.
• Validate their feelings. Children can’t access logical thinking when they’re dysregulated. Listening and acknowledging their emotions can help them feel understood and supported, allowing them to settle.
• Bring perspective after the emotions have passed. Once they’ve calmed down, help them reflect on the situation. Discuss what they might do differently next time and explore strategies they can try in future.
• Resist the urge to "fix" everything. Let tamariki experience challenges and problem-solve for themselves—with your guidance.

These strategies can help build resilience over time, even though it’s easier said than done. I often refer to reminders like this infographic to stay on track.

And if I’m honest, I still have to work on regulating myself—especially now that I have a teenager in the house. I hope they never read this, but the real test of my self-regulation is when I open their bedroom door and can’t find the floor under the piles of clothes and rubbish… but can clearly see all the missing dishes...

We also welcome Mr Phil Greig to the world of parenting. He and his wife have just had their firstborn girl arrive into the world, and they have called her Devon. Congratulations Phil and Hayley. 

Have a great rest of your week everyone,

Ngaa mihi,

Nyree Olliver